My prime intention for 2013:

I will refuse to allow obstacles to consume and dissipate the quality of my attention in the present moment. I will accept the present as it is, and manifest the future through my deepest, most cherished intentions and desires

–Deepak Chopra

This is the beginning of the 3rd week in this new year…and I’ve been working on myself. It’s been kind of up and down for me since last fall – I oscillate between motivated/hopeful and unhopeful/lost about my plans for 2013 and future career prospectives.  Although I’ve gained some new perspective in this process and feel OK psychologically and emotionally most of the time, I still fall into episodes of “darkness.”

In December, I applied for two teaching jobs but I recently received a “thank-you” letter for one app and didn’t even hear back from the other (despite the fact this current term have started). Even though a lot has changed between submitting my job apps and right now (I am probably not in a position to take a full-time job anymore), it is still very discouraging just because it was kind of a “dream” job and it casts a shadow of doubt on my prospects in the future. I am a fairly rational and logical person…but sometimes it’s just too tiring and difficult to call yourself back from the edge of dark thoughts.

I tried to talk to my husband about how lost I feel in life and that my ambivalence about finishing my dissertation stems from being unsure what’s my next step in life. The pragmatic soul he is told me that I’m in fact, very blessed – I’m not under any type of pressure to find a job immediate because his (fairly good) job will be able to cover the expenses for both of us for the foreseeable future. I guess that is true but it somehow doesn’t make me feel that much better. I’m guessing this is an issue that I will have to revisit in the future…but for now, I’m trusting my head and heart to the intention of moving forward and keeping in the present moment despite obstacles that may arise. I need to keep exploring and searching…but I still need to move my life ahead. I’m always a work in progress.